Fall from Grace

Its nothing you can do to lose the grace of God, yeah? It is after all undeserved favor. So when temptation wins, why is it so easy to believe that I'm not worthy of God's grace. Its not like when I first had it I had earned it right? After all what could I ever do that would earn me such grace? But often I stumble... Occasionally I fall. And it feels like the prodigal son.. Like I could come back; but then how much can I get away with and still come back to open arms. Like yes, I have a pretty good reason to sway. He should understand, right? Besides my nature at its very core is sinful, yes. So it can't be much of a surprise that I am in dirt this deep should it? Then... If only my prayers had been answered.. If only things were different.. If I was different..

But I'm tired of the compromises, tired of only going far enough to still be saved, tired of my impatience with unanswered prayers, tired of eventually taking the easy way out, TIRED!

So: Dear God, give me the ability to hear your voice, understand what you want from me and Do it. Give me the patience to wait for the right seasons, the eyes to see when the season is ripe and the boldness to do whatever it takes. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The wisdom to choose right from wrong and the maturity to take responsibility.

Thank you
Amen.

So umm yeah at the risk of this being a dear diary type post... I'm coming back. The pursuit of a testimony aluta continua!

So umm... where are the droids we are looking for?

Guiding Scripture: 

1 Corinthians 7 vs 20 - So don't try to change what you were when God chose you'

So at school right now we are learning about derivatives.  Basically the price of a security is determined by how the underlying assets are performing. And they are used for two main purposes as a hedge or for speculation. So if God wanted to use me based on my underlying assets (my faith, my obedience, my availability etc) would Jesus still be the price He paid for me?

See, the thing with derivatives is they work with expectations. the uncertainty from the outside world may be how profit can be made but it is also how you can lose everything.

So God took a risk with me, my free will = the uncertainty.

The point is to increase my value as a derivative, its not to change from a swap to an option or whatever but to develop what God already gave.

Confession

I dont know where the droids we are looking for are. i know the do's and donts, the fruits of the spirit but i havent yet seen the droids. Lamentations!

Step 4
Always remember that God"s transactions are recorded double entry style so when i am  a deficit, god will always provide for the statistical discrepancies. And so wherever the droids are, umm yeah. No worries!

To blink or to stare: the dilemma of the unseeing.

Job 34:4 Let us discern for ourselves what is right;
let us learn together what is good.


You've heard it said that you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything. You've heard it before, now where do you stand. What do you stand for. What would it take to move you?

The idea of having a testimony in Christ is so other people can see Him in you. But how much do you know about Christ though. In this relationship I have with J, I have to admit that sometimes I take for granted that His love is limitless that I don't do enough to make myself deserving. And as in any relationship the only way you can love someone the way they want to be loved is to get to know them. Not until recently has it ever occurred to me that I know only the bare basics about Jesus, and though it is enough to make me love Him, is it strong enough a foundation for solid, unshakable conviction? Because you know before its put to the test its like an opinion, its only conviction when its stood the trial. I had this conversation where things that I know but have never connected to anything were seemingly discrediting my beliefs, making me look like a simp for blindly following things I do not understand. To say that my eyes where opened would simply be the tip of the iceberg. I had my eyes open wide, I had all this information but had no context. You know God says my people perish because of a lack of knowledge... i wonder what He would say about me. The bible also says he who seeks knowledge finds wisdom. And this is what hit me. when it came to the bible, I knew the stories( because they are A-May-zeeing) and I knew the quotable verses but not much else. Pretty much all the rudimentary knowledge anyone with a casual knowledge of the bible would know. So much so that after faced with tough questions my faith was a little bit shaken. Don't get me wrong, and no offense but I think anything outside christianity is just not for me. But after that episode of stuttering and fumbling through the scriptures and momentarily wondering if this too was just another big conspiracy I decided that I need to know. Not only what's in the bible but what has happened to the bible over the ages, what is happening now and how everyone else see it. I need to understand, then if anyone should ask I will know what to say. For It is one thing to doggedly pursue my testimony and have to explain to people that this miracle would not have been possible without Jesus, its another to have people see the miracle and know it couldn't have happened without Jesus.

So part 4 of the pursuit is to know God inside out. Because you become what you behold. So I want to know Him until He is all I behold.

...So help me God...

The Big Picture: the devil is in the details

I have always believed that i am one of those people who always know exactly what they want out of life. And in terms of that, i guess there are two types of decision makers: those whose decisions are based on immediate gratification and those that are ok with delayed gratification for a bigger result. I'm the latter. I've always known that i wanted to get into University, get an office job for a while then start a business that would blossom into a conglomerate.
To this end i was always prepared. While i was never a star pupil (i was actually kind of a default placeholder in the bottom ten), i always managed to pull through and pass all my major exams.
So i had a plan and as far getting into University part, the HOW TO was quite clear cut - get good grades!! And so far just basing on that, i've done pretty well because i managed to get to Uni.
Big Picture: check
So whats missing? The detail. I don't know much about the technicalities of painting but lets assume any painter can paint a lady that looks like she is smiling but could also be frowning at the same time. The mastery at achieving this feat is not the only thing fascinating about the Monalisa, its in the detail. The way there are two different landscapes in the background and so on. That is what keeps the painting a source of speculation still years after it was painted.


Confession: I do not know how to be present.

I have trouble in the day to day decision-making. I used to think that as long as i focus on the goal, i'd be ok. But being in University where, the time before finals is short has taught me balance. In just one semester you have to have learnt your modules and outside the classroom still have a life. So to have good grades you have to know how to manage your time to the last minute. To have a quality life you have know what to say yes to and what to say no to, what you say to who?
       the devil is in the details. It doesn't matter that you get where you are going but how you get there counts. Its like that story of a brilliant architect who built an awe-inspiring library that started to sink an inch year by year because he had failed to take into account the weight of the books.
And so i may have been prepared with the blue print of my library but i was not prepared with the character of my library.

Step: 2

Character building: Because hard work will get you success add talent you will get noticed and be on top but character will keep you there. Because faith without works is dead. It is my wish therefore to build a character that is based on God's principles so that by the time i come into my purpose i am prepared.

... so help me God...

Deliberate Insanity

Guiding Scripture:

Revelation 12:11 _ "And they overcame him by the blood of of the lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to death"

James 5:16 _ " Confess your faults to one another, and pray for another, that ye may be healed"

Part 1


This post i called deliberate insanity because i am going to air my insecurities and flaws during my in pursuit of a testimony series. The above scriptures are why i feel it is necessary to do so. Because my pursuit of a testimony is not just me desiring to self-actualize or to have an epic story to tell at the round table. It is bigger than me. It is seeking favor in the eyes of God. It is living a God approved life. It is letting God's will come first in spite of myself. It is completely yielding myself to Him so that His glory may shine through me. It is becoming the mirror image of God so others can see Him through me. So every post i will make a confession, give a possible/biblical reason of why that may be between me and my testimony and then give a biblical revelation of what i should do about it. This is a Julie & Julia type challenge except it probably has no set duration

Confession: I'm ashamed of my life.

I wont say why yet but i have come to realise that this shame is how i can not change. Its a revolving door that has me stuck in groundhog day.
Proverbs 11:2 says When pride cometh then come shame: but with the lowly is wisdom.
The truth is i am too proud to admit that my life is far from what it should be but to allow change would be to reveal just how incomplete it is, so i don't allow it. To be honest though the worst thing is not that i live a life that i don't really want, its the shame that comes from people's perception of the state its in. And i want to be a beacon of light for God not a cautionary tale. And the fruits of the spirit are joy, peace and right thinking. Notice shame is not one of them.
The way i have been dealing with this so far is by apathy. I'm sure there are some people out there that know when i say i don't care i really don't. But that's not walking in Corinthians 13 love. So lets go to the first step of the pursuit...

Step 1:

Love - For perfect love drives out fear. There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. Punishment has to do with rebuke, embarrassment, rejection, failing. Punishment in the form of shame. If you try to avoid fear it mutates into other forms and just when you think you are winning its eating away another part of you. So instead of waiting to get love in order to give it back, instead of withholding love for fear it might be abused, instead of associating love with pain...

It is my decision today to deal in love. To give love without reason. To walk, talk and live love.

Affirmation: I am love

...So help me God...

In pursuit of a testimony

Since I am pretty sure I'm the only regular on this blog I feel I can take some liberties like going TMI once in a while. And before you throw up it won't be anything I can't talk about in polite company. Anyways I was going to do this one post about how I feel like I have lived for so long and nothing monumental has ever really happened to me. (And yes, I've heard of making things happen but although I'm all for that movement it has never occured to me that i could be the ONE making things happen). And no I'm not saying I would have wanted to be born with some rare medical condition or in crippling poverty and overcome that to feel like I have a testimony. But I feel like God made me unique, and God does not do things for the heck of it. So I gotta be the one to make it happen for me (with His help ofcourse). From one of the greatest quotes ever from one of the greatest gifts to literature "Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them", the Animal Farm. I so far have lived long enough to know I wasn't born great. And I also know things don't have a habit of just making their way to me. So I am one of those people who have to achieve greatness. And so far, meh. I'm just one of those people who hate discomfort so I always end up in less than remarkable circumstances.

So what this is about, is me trying to achieve greatness. To get my testimony. I suppose the first thing that comes to mind is getting loads of money but lately I'm going for more than this and yeah Imma take that journey right here on this blog.

...So help me God...